How to write a letter to your children for after your death

Because children who lose a parent often look, years later, for traces of that parent's voice: what they thought of them, what they would have said on their wedding day, how they lived at the same age. A photo shows a face; a letter shows a way of thinking and of loving.

Writing this letter is not preparing to die. Many parents write it when a child is born, before an operation, before a long journey, or simply after seeing a friend go too soon. The very act of writing it often brings a sense of peace: what matters has been said, and put somewhere safe.

Finally, the letter answers a question we rarely ask ourselves: what will my children know about me if they were too young to remember? A three year old will keep almost no direct memories. What you write today may well be their only source.

There is no required structure, but a few themes come up again and again in the letters that mean the most to the people who receive them:

• •Their story: the day they were born, their first word, a funny moment that only you know about.
• •What you love about them: specific qualities, with an example. "You are kind" is less moving than "I saw you share your snack with a child nobody was paying attention to".
• •Who you were: your doubts at their age, your mistakes, what made you happy. Children know a parent, but rarely the person behind the parent.
• •What you hope for them, without turning it into an obligation: that they are happy, that they look after themselves, that they stay close to their brothers and sisters.
• •Permission to go on living: tell them they are allowed to be sad, and then to be happy again, to laugh, to love, and that doing so is not a betrayal of you.
• •Answers to the questions they will ask: where the family comes from, why they were given their name, the story of their grandparents.

If you are stuck, Laterly's writing help can suggest questions and turn your dictated sentences into a draft you edit freely: see how it works.

A letter written for a five year old will be read by a teenager or an adult. Write for the person who will read it, not for the child they are today.

• •Young child: plan for it to be read later, for example on their 18th birthday. Describe them as they are now: that is precisely what they will have no other way of knowing.
• •Teenager: keep it simple and sincere, without moralising. A teenager immediately spots a text that is trying to lecture them.
• •Adult child: you can speak as equals, mention past disagreements, and say what you never dared to say.

If you have several children, write a separate letter to each one. A shared letter quickly feels generic, and children naturally compare what is said about each of them.

A farewell letter is not the only option. Many parents prefer to write several dated letters, each one for a stage of life:

• •their 18th birthday;
• •their graduation;
• •their wedding or moving in with a partner;
• •the birth of their first child;
• •a day when they need courage, to be opened whenever they choose.

These letters have one advantage: they are not tied to death. A letter for a child's 18th birthday can be given to them even if you are still there, and become a shared memory.

In Laterly, each letter can have its own delivery mode: on a fixed date (it arrives on the morning of the chosen day) or automatically if you stop responding. For a parent, the two work very well together.

A few pitfalls come up often:

• •Settling scores. A posthumous letter leaves no room for a reply. A written reproach will weigh far more heavily than you imagine.
• •Giving orders: "become a doctor", "never leave your mother". What was meant as a wish turns into a debt.
• •Comparing your children, even to encourage them.
• •Revealing a heavy secret (parentage, a hereditary illness) without arranging any support. If it is necessary, say it with care, and tell them who can answer their questions.
• •Mixing inheritance and feelings. A letter is not a will: in France, a will must be written entirely by hand, dated and signed (Article 970 of the French Civil Code) or drawn up by a notary. Promising an asset in a letter can create conflict without settling anything. Our guide Digital Will in France: What the Law Says explains this point in detail.

This is the question people most often overlook. A beautiful letter tucked away in a drawer may never be found. The main options are:

• •An envelope at home: simple, but it can be lost, read too early or thrown away during a move.
• •The notary: safe, but designed for legal documents. Your family has to know the notary exists and get in touch.
• •A relative or friend: reliable if they are discreet and if they outlive you, which is never certain.
• •A scheduled delivery service: the letter is stored online and delivered automatically on the chosen date or if you stop responding.

That is how Laterly works: your letters are encrypted, Laterly regularly asks you whether everything is fine (a single button to tap), and if you stop responding after several reminders and a grace period, it first alerts your trusted person, then sends the letters. With the Pro plan, you can add a voice message and photos: hearing a parent's voice means a great deal to a child. The details are on the How it works page and the prices on the Pricing page.

If the blank page is holding you back, start by finishing one of these sentences, without rereading yourself:

• •"The day you were born, what I remember most is..."
• •"What I love most about you is..."
• •"At your age, I was afraid of..."
• •"If I could give you just one piece of advice, it would be..."
• •"I want you to know that you have nothing to prove to me."

Write the way you speak first, then reread it a week later. Keep what rings true and cut what sounds like a speech. One sincere page is enough. You can add to it every year, for example on the child's birthday.